*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
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Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
guilty
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Check your privilege
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.