Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.