@keyblur_justin

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

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@TheToddWilliams

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

@awkwardphilippe

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

@dreamsinchocola

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

@deardilettante

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

@bridger_w

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

@NeinQuarterly

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

@Cheeseboy22

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

@KevinFarzad

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.