@keyblur_justin

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

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@rickkondell

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

@Adyaces

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

@TheeSkinBoss

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

@BDGarp

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

@DaddyJew

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

@ArfMeasures

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

@Manglewood

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

@jwoodham

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

@thatcarlygirl

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog