I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
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If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire