*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
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When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
👾👾👾
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.