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An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes