People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?