Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
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when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
No. YOU-buprofen.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Check your privilege
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.