The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
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Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
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You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork