The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
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[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
me logging onto twitter
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
it be like that
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way