You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
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me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
She was rare, like a goth jogging
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
i- i did not expect this
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