Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
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she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Happy Thanksgiving
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest