Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
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No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I got bills
They’re multiplying
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
mentally somewhere in italy