FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
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TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.