I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP