[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
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Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
saving face 👀
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk