Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
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back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.