50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
if my sleeping schedule was a person
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here: