50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
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*gets down on one knee*
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever