*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
You Might Also Like
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.