at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
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You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
fired
This hospital has everything
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.