Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Hotels are back
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Had an epiphany today.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.