At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
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The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know