Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
You Might Also Like
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.