Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
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Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
tis the season
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.