Sorry I made promises on Friday
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friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Sign of the day..
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and