I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t