The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.