HR said no more nunchucks.
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“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces