My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
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Meat Cute
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.