Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
This was a bad idea all around
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.