I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*