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Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Interior design 👌
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.