That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
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So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight