After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
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What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.