This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar