“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
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Rooting for the overdog
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.