Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Good boy 😂😂
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.