Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
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*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich