It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
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What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.