I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?