If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.