Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
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If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.