Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses