@UnfilteredMama

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

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@jonnysun

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

@AllyBallyBeal

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

@SolelyB

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

@ElgatoEsmio

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

@Elizasoul80

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

@iscoff

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

@BuckyIsotope

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.