“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
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me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Kermit goes Blue.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Found the job I’m suited for
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house