SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
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Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing