I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive