who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.