Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
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“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
You know…for fall…
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”