If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂