“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
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If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
*snowstorm rolls through*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is