“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
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ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
#NeverForget
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
stand with me against insufficient seating
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*