Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

Animal poetry

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.