Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide