Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
stop
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Tell me you get it…🤣
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words