[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
You Might Also Like
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Sunday
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Autocorrect is my menesis
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”