Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
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Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.