[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
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Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”